Begging

What do you do when you feel like no one can help your problem?
Who will you ask for help when Lord can't be felt or seen?
What will you do?

What will I do?

------------------------------------------------

You.

Yourself that lingers in mind.

Here I'm down on my knees to beg you.

For the sake of every breath I don't take to make you happy, don't you ever leave me.

Remember you said you'll always be in my life.

Remember I'll always stand by your side.

Remember every morning kisses we've had.

Don't even think about say goodbye.

Don't get tired of not believing that there's no future worth glimpsing.

Don't give up on you.

Don't give up on me.

If you do, I'll hate you for it. And I'll hate myself for hating you for it.

Just stay. Preferably with me. Here. With me.

Chapter 10, Page 18

Stop and Stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Can you see what I see?

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

You don't need

Down In The Dumps

I would love to walk along with you.
Through the rain. In the night.
But, I couldn't see deeply through your eyes.

I would love to be with you.
Beneath these falling leaves.
I would love to be with you.
But I could solely see your restlesness.

I've been waiting for you in vain.
Here. Up in the sky. Floating.
Drifting through the wind.
Waiting for the being.

If Only Is You

If only we were not different. If only we didn't have to worry about the future. Because at that moment there would be only you. and me. It's us. Fingers intwined. Floating through the crowds. Hearing your laugh.

We'd just walk and pass by. See the clouds fulfill the sky. Stare at your wonderful eyes, for a life time. Until I die.
Finally you'd utter the only line I've been waiting for a life time. There. and I would never say goodbye.

Still. Those are not for real. We're still here. Waiting. Hope we ain't wasting.

Can't you understand? You're the one, the only one bearing in mind.

Chapter 9, Page 26

Look for the girl with the broken smile. Ask her if she wants to stay awhile. Will she be loved?
I'll tap on your window, knock on your door, I want you to make me feel beautiful.

Someone

I love a person. I really love this person.
A someone.

Someone who taught me how to use tap water.
Someone who taught me how to make an omelette.
Someone who loves to give morning kiss on my forehead.

Someone whom I love to stare at while sleeping.
Someone who gives me opportunities to fly; literally.
Someone who calms me down anytime I get angry.
Someone who can't stand spicy
Someone who loves coffee
Someone who was always with me when I had surgery

Someone who's always trying to reach me, albeit I am thousands miles away.
Someone who's always in mind when I pray
Someone I wish to be by my side on my birthdays

Someone who's my drug
Someone I love to bear hug
But right now, I can barely hug

Someone I'm addicted to  kiss
Someone who shows me a pure state of bliss
Someone I'll love for a thousand years

Someone who teaches me how precious life can be
Someone who always makes me feel so lucky

Someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with..   
Someone I may lose.... someday..

Someone,
To die by your side is glee
For I'll really miss thee

Terrific Week!

I've been tortured by my final assignment for the last months, and finally, last Thursday (June 14th) I nailed it -succesfully- and marked an 'A'. Be ready I'm gonna type some grin emoticons;

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Well, haha those pretty much show my great happiness because, yeah, fellas, it's almost over. My uni life is almost OVER. I, am now a graduate of University of Indonesia; majoring Accounting & Information Systems :) My 3 years of uni life has been so tremendous, suspenseful and exhilarating!! I make friends with one of the best folks in the world! Literally!  I eventually have got some friends I proudly call 'besties', you know, chick stuff, but really, for 6 years of high school life (junior-senior) I hadn't found any insane girls or boys I could share private stories with, a friend I define as bizzare in my way. I could not figure out what friendship is. You may pity me or say that it was a total bummer, whatsoever I don't really care. I have found my true friends and by true; I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Is someone saying "so gay...." here??? :p 

I still need to revise my final assignment, though. But it's okay since I finally  have my last 'long holidays' for the next years ahead as I am not planning on continuing my studies this year to get bachelor's degree ( I am a graduate of diploma programme in which I need to attend 'extension programme' in order to complete my studies and get bachelor's degree; I don't know if this kind is available in your country, but yeah pretty much like that) otherwise I am gonna start my working life this year right away after my graduation. Wish me tons of luck! :D

Saturday, 16th June 2012. 

I went to the bookstore at one of biggest malls in Jakarta. I ended up buying 4 books due to 50 % discount the bookstore offering!!! These are my recent buys at Periplus (the bookstore name; it sells imported books which are mostly written in English; most are best selling books) :

Hahaha yes you! I know you're calling me a total lame for reading The Black Swan and Eat Pray Love in 2012. Well, I've even got the latter for less than $2, need I complain? Scott gave me DVD of Eat, Pray, Love but I've got lack of time to watch it. Will try reading the novel first then compare it to the movie. I may do the similar thing to The Black Swan. 

And finally, Sunday, 17th June 2012 I made my first buttermilk pancakes from scratch!!! It's served with blueberry sauce and chocolate syrup and butter and of course; as the beverage to enjoy my pancakes I made my authentic banana-strawberry smoothie. They are soo delish and moreish! 

Lol, you should know that I actually planned to do some diet with less consumption of simple carbs since my weight reaches a number I can't tolerate anymore. But I just can't. HAHAHA. I just wanna celebrate my 'graduation', eat good food and do baking/cooking project more and more. To be honest, I really wanna be a great cook and have skinny body at the same time; just like Laura Vitale . Well, I assume my current great excitement of cooking and baking is just an outcome of my period which is around the corner. I feel like to think of what I'm gonna eat the next day and the urge to binge eat savouries and cakes!!! Insane!

I hope this new habit will last no longer haha or I should definitely find any recipes that provide healthier food. Can you imagine hours of watching "how to make this/that from scratch" on youtube?? That is my guilty pleasure. 

I feel so much happier than few past weeks ago. I enjoy my life. Whatever happens in the future, I still need to manage my happines steadily. One of books I bought, entitled "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin gets me pumped reading it page by page. In my opinion it really is eloquent and such a good read. I have come to first pages of this book, I might change my opinion but I enjoy reading this book by far. Let's see what happens, and yeah I can not wait to try Korean Fried Chicken recipe on youtube next weekend!! LOL

I wish all of you had a great weekend as well 

x and o, 

Sya

For an Indefinite Time

Dear God,

You must have known that I've been overwhelmed by trouble, pain and fatigue recently. But no matter how difficult times can be, no matter how tough it is, I will never give up. It's not that I can't be realistic, It's because I believe in myself. I strongly believe in my own conviction and I have faith to carry it through.

God,
I feel your presence. I know You are there, and the last thing I notice is; I know You are more exhausted than I am; but You never complain.

Wholeheartedly,
Sya

Foreverness

      It was a night precisely before you flew back to your country. It was a perfect night, or I could even say, a perfect day. We had our, prolly, third movie date for the last 1,5 years. Movie date, oh well, it doesn't count as extra-ordinary thing for most couples. As for us, movie date can be so special and unforgettable.
      I gave you your early birthday prezzie, since I will not be able to be by your side on your own birthday. You smiled. It was a wide smile. A tranquil smile which I will never forget.

      When the night was spread out against the sky, we shared a single pile of cutton pads facing each other. I snuggled up against you. I felt contentment. The best ever. I stared at your peaceful face. Looked deeply into your closed eyes, started falling asleep, I guessed. I knew from the breath you roared. I ran my finger along your chest, slowly. But then it woke you up. You fixed your sleep position. You turned your body to the other side.

      At the moment, I eventually had the chance to stare at your back again. There's  inexplicable admiration everytime I see you fall asleep. It's always one of my favorite moments. It will always be, and you will never get the point dear, seriously..
      My mind was filled; with the image of wrinkled sheets. There was something I tried to make myself believe. I decided to put my arms around your waist. I held you tight; sensed the warmth on your back; the smell of your skin permeated my senses with a joy unlike anything I've ever felt.

"Could it be like this forever?", I questioned you; didn't think you would have replied.  "It could be; as long as you don't get bored watching me fall asleep; sleeping next to me", you answered with such a slight voice, drowning in your drowsiness.

      The unfathomable question of foreverness was still bearing in mind. I would love to ask you again, but you might not reply, for you were deep in your slumber where the darkness swept across the sky whilst the others were asleep with you; along with me heaving a big sigh as I tried to hold my cry.

There She Says 'I do'

I watched this video from this blog which I'm currently following .
Lol, i must confess, I cried hard while watching this. This is just too beautiful. Utter ravishing. Needless to say the girl in red dress makes the best appearance.

Well, I don't want to be naive. I've never expected a marriage proposal like this one. I just need the right man to keep the words he utters during the proposal, 'till death do us part. Isn't it what every girl in this world dreams about?? 

<3

-Sya

:)

I happened to see this proverb when I net-surfed a few hours ago..

"Keep your chin up. Don't take your troubles to bed with you - hang them on a chair with your trousers or drop them in a glass of water with your teeth."  [they were easily amused in Pennsylvania in 1900].

I feel like those lines talking to me when I read them. I've recently been going through rough patch in my life.
I am the type of person who always over-analyze anything. Recent times, I forgot how it's like to laugh out loud; to simply think of fun and exciting things. He even had to remind me about the latter. I don't know what's stopping me from being in the state of pure bliss.

Now I changed my mind. Last day of being an university student is getting closer. Yes, I am graduating, fellas.
I just want to have fun. Nope, not pretending something never happened nor avoiding what i've been through. Not at all. I just want to manage my own feelings more wisely. To feel content with my life. To keep me away from being vulnerable and easily hurt. I can't wait any longer to hug and kiss him like I used to. 5 weeks left. Blissfulness is coming right away!

Finally, colon + close parenthesis equal to :) - smile.


Love,
Sya :)

Chapter 6; Page 1

God,

Here i'm down on my knees. Again.


This is a sole willingness I bear in mind that you'd hear me.
Hoping that you would change a thing is not my aim, deliberately.
Here, myself, pleading with you to give me a listen.

There is something I'd love to tell you so badly
That, again, I'm at the most vulnerable point of my entire life. I know I always am.
That I find no one to share my problems with, but You.

I am a mere sinner.

I am not the best worshipper you've ever known
I've always backed out of my promises, done what I'm not supposed to

God,
Forgive me for kicking up a fuss about everything. But there is always a moment I believe no one would ever understand my difficulties but You.

I taste a bitter possibility on my mouth.
Something I'm utterly afraid of.
I have wasted my times to not concern about this problem.

I've expected too much.
I forgot about the worst.
I'm hoping too much.

I forgot the reality that I'd possibly be wholly shattered in the near future.
It, perhaps, someday, will cost me of losing a half of my life.
I feel rueful.

God,
I'm tired of shedding tears.
Though everytime i feel that I'm running out of tears I feel the urge to cry again.
To let you pity me.
To assure You that you're the only one can assist

God,
Is it so hard to give someone your lights?
Is it so hard to convince someone of your presence?
Is it so hard to give a single sign?

You give some to humans, You give some to others whom You think they are capable of.
I beg You to give it to a person.
A person. A mere one person.
Would it be a big deal?

I need you to trust this person.
As I failed to persuade this one.
It's a shame I haven't done much.

What could i do to assure You?
That this person is worth your trust, really.

I may not deserve asking this.
Knowing I'm full of sin. I am insincere at times.

But I also know that no one in this universe is able to give me assistance resolving this problem, except You.
You put me in this problem cause you know that, perhaps,  I'm tough enough.

Give me more strength.
I'm not giving up.
I'm still begging You.

There is a time..

There is a time I wish I could get drunk. In order to forget all those shit that take parts in life. To get the answers, of everything I question, when I eventually realise that I even forgot what I ask about..

There is a time I perceive bad things as good things. When I hope killing someone will never be a crime. When I face the hardest decision in life, whether to walk away or try even harder on what I was fighting for..

There is a time I wish I could kill myself, and that there wasn't afterlife. When I think that the best way to solve problems in life, is to run... run further just to the end of the life itself.

Those times -for myself- are seemingly beautiful, yet pathetic.

I have this moment. Moment of great sorrow. I'm depressed. I happened to look up the agony, whom I long time no see. Choosing one of the options would be a remedy to my grief. However, in the end, i always come up with the fact that life solely contains 'justs' and 'if onlys'.

Scotty (i'll tell you who this person is in the other post) always tells me that life is about choosing. Yes, not choices i mentioned above for sure. He says life is about choosing whether you want to be happy -regardless every problem you face- or  to be deep in sorrow. We are in control.

But really, I can not take it as easy as that. I can't even define what control is in my own life. Perhaps, there isn't one simple answer to explain what it means to be in control. Maybe this is because control is more subtle and elusive than what we'd like to think it is.
I, myself, mostly make a choice to be attached to the problems I'm familiar with. I think of the smallest things. I think of the worst. I reproach myself for everything. Finally, I'm not in control to choose what makes me happy. That's pathetic. Yes it is. I'm not aware of better options.

But then again,  I convince myself that I'm not the only one. There are thousands, maybe millions out there, who are dwelling on sadness just the way I am. Or even worse.

I'd love to accomplish what I was fighting for. I have to open the door of my options. The better ones. This requires time and much effort. Eventhough I'm not sure I can go through this once something I'm afraid of eventually happens.. It will surely hurt as hell. Will leave me in extreme mental pain.

Still, I keep pondering what will be the best for me.



-Sya

First Off

Hello there!

I am Sya. That's for easier.

This is my blog. Hell, yes i know that effing - 'WTH this is 2012 and you've just got a blog??"- moment. I actually am not a new 'sort of' writer of personal journal published on internet. I used to tumble my ramblings on this piece of sh*t syafiramaulana.tumblr.com But since it's almost fully written in Indonesian, which is my native tounge, and i almost forgot how luxurious it could be to cuss around and put my words into blog in English, i finally decided to make the english part of me. So yeah, here it is..

Yeah. It feels good. To write in English. There is certain awesomeness when put my words in English. I enjoy every single time i google any idioms to widen my vocabs then put it into my statuses, mostly on  my twitter .

I haven't much to say by now. Or, i actually don't know what to say anymore. I will keep writing. I may reveal some secrets, that's why i need you to keep track of my posts, there, you ain't gonna miss a thing :p

Later,

@syafirasyaa