There is a time..

There is a time I wish I could get drunk. In order to forget all those shit that take parts in life. To get the answers, of everything I question, when I eventually realise that I even forgot what I ask about..

There is a time I perceive bad things as good things. When I hope killing someone will never be a crime. When I face the hardest decision in life, whether to walk away or try even harder on what I was fighting for..

There is a time I wish I could kill myself, and that there wasn't afterlife. When I think that the best way to solve problems in life, is to run... run further just to the end of the life itself.

Those times -for myself- are seemingly beautiful, yet pathetic.

I have this moment. Moment of great sorrow. I'm depressed. I happened to look up the agony, whom I long time no see. Choosing one of the options would be a remedy to my grief. However, in the end, i always come up with the fact that life solely contains 'justs' and 'if onlys'.

Scotty (i'll tell you who this person is in the other post) always tells me that life is about choosing. Yes, not choices i mentioned above for sure. He says life is about choosing whether you want to be happy -regardless every problem you face- or  to be deep in sorrow. We are in control.

But really, I can not take it as easy as that. I can't even define what control is in my own life. Perhaps, there isn't one simple answer to explain what it means to be in control. Maybe this is because control is more subtle and elusive than what we'd like to think it is.
I, myself, mostly make a choice to be attached to the problems I'm familiar with. I think of the smallest things. I think of the worst. I reproach myself for everything. Finally, I'm not in control to choose what makes me happy. That's pathetic. Yes it is. I'm not aware of better options.

But then again,  I convince myself that I'm not the only one. There are thousands, maybe millions out there, who are dwelling on sadness just the way I am. Or even worse.

I'd love to accomplish what I was fighting for. I have to open the door of my options. The better ones. This requires time and much effort. Eventhough I'm not sure I can go through this once something I'm afraid of eventually happens.. It will surely hurt as hell. Will leave me in extreme mental pain.

Still, I keep pondering what will be the best for me.



-Sya